


Don't Care If It Hurts

by MaesterChill



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Enemies to Friends, Hogwarts Era, Infatuation, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Multiple, Stream of Consciousness, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-05-23 16:30:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14937866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaesterChill/pseuds/MaesterChill
Summary: Its 5th Year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and students Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy couldn't be more different. One is a reckless Gryffindor destined to battle Lord Voldemort. The other a haughty Slytherin destined to follow in his Death Eater father's footsteps.So how is it that their thoughts and feelings are so similar?And why are these thoughts more than occasionally dominated by how fucking special the other one is?





	Don't Care If It Hurts

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is inspired by the song Creep by Radiohead, kindly prompted by untilourapathy.
> 
> The action starts part way through OOTP. The narrative is not a narrative as such, just inner thoughts and a bit of dialogue. Hope it works for you.  
> Harry = plain text  
>  **Draco = bold text.**
> 
> Thankyouthankyouthankyou to my insanely amazing alpha/beta [timothysboxers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/timothysboxers/) for his unending encouragement, support, advice and virtual chocolate. I honestly could not and would not have done this without him.  
> Thanks also to [bangyababy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bangyababy/) for her kind words of advice.
> 
> Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.

 

November

 

He’s a git.  
A nasty, pointy, hateful _git_ with an acid tongue. I’ll never fucking forgive him for what he said about my parents.  
_And_ the Weasleys.  
I smashed up that bloody self-satisfied face of his good and proper.  
He deserved every punch.

 

 **He’s a bloody savage.**  
**Saint Potter, my arse. I _can’t believe_ he attacked me. With his fists! The brute.**  
**He needs locking up.**  
**Can’t even handle a few jibes about the Weasley’s and their stinking hovel.**

 **And his parents.**  
**Merlin, so they’re _dead_.  It’s not like he misses them, he barely even knew them.**  
**He's clearly unhinged.**

 

Okay sure, maybe McGonagall was right. Malfoy was angry about losing the game. But that’s no bloody excuse for him being so vile.  
Perhaps I shouldn't have hit him.  
No, screw that, I was _provoked_.  
He insulted my parents. They’re dead and he’s still a dick about them.  
It’s all very well for him growing up with two loving parents. Two _alive_ parents.  
George was fizzing too, it wasn’t just me.

His nose _was_ smashed up pretty badly though. All that blood. And his mouth; fuck, his lips were really swollen. He was a mess.  
He deserved it.  
He provoked me.  
He _always_ provokes me.

 

 **Certainly, I was jolly sore about Potter beating me to the Snitch. Perfectly natural reaction.**  
**Not my fault if he can’t handle a bit of post-game banter.**  
**He did look pretty upset, though. Perhaps I went a little too far this time.**

 **No.**  
**That’s the fucking _point_.**  
**Hurt him.**  
**Hurt the prick like he hurts me.**

 

Why does Malfoy have to make everything so _personal_? He knows exactly which buttons to push. I just can’t — I can’t think straight when I’m near him.  
He torments me.

He has everything so _easy_.  
Friends hanging on his every word, flattering and fawning over him. The perfect pure-blood heir, spoiled to within an inch of his life by mummy and daddy dearest.  
Entitled tosser. So fucking special.  
I mean, daily deliveries of sweets and cakes? How in Godric’s name he stays so fit is a mystery.  
And his skin. By rights he should be a spotty git with all that sugar he eats.  
But no. Not Malfoy. A perfect bloody face.  
Flawless, smooth, glowing skin. Merlin, it makes me want to cry.  
Git.

 

 **Why can’t I just leave him alone? He always gets under my skin. And I have to bloody well relieve the prickling, crawling itch of it somehow.**  
**It’ll torment me otherwise.**

 **The perfect Golden Boy, with his perfect golden friends. His perfect golden skin.**  
**Ugh, and his perfect body. Not surprising he beats me at Quidditch with all those ridiculous muscles.**  
**And that stupid bloody scar.**  
**The ultimate symbol of how fucking _special_ he is. So sickeningly heroic. **  
**So perfect.**  
**Prick.**

 

January

 

Gods, what’s Malfoy smirking at now? No doubt gloating to Parkinson about my disaster in Potions.  
Thinks he’s bloody better than me just because he gets top marks every week.  
Snape’s little favourite.  
Lickarse.  
He _is_ intelligent I suppose. Though Hermione’d wipe the floor with him if it came to it.

Ugh, look at Parkinson simpering and stroking his hair. Purring like the kneazle that got the cream.  
Creamy skin, glowing hair...  
Who even has hair that sleek and shiny?  
I wonder if it feels fluffy and floaty like baby bird feathers, or smooth and luxurious like silk?  
_Huh? Where did that come from, sap? Luxurious?  
_ Merlin, I can’t bear that smug git, sniggering away, rolling his eyes and sprawling in that awful girl’s lap like some sort of slinky white leopard.

“Oi! Malfoy, what you smirking at?”

 

 **Potter, barking at me. How rude.**  
**Salazar, he looks cross; his jaw always sets like that, and his eyes blaze behind those stupid glasses. Have they always been _that_ bright green? Same colour as Mother’s sodding parakeets.**

**“Manners, Potter, or are you looking for a detention on top of that extra Potions homework? Astoundingly, the explosion appears to have _improved_ your hair. Well... It couldn’t have possibly got much worse I suppose.”**

**Such ghastly hair, a dreadful mess. Isn’t his family supposed to have invented _Sleekeazy_? He doesn’t appear to even own a comb. **  
**It does look soft though. Merlin, if he just gave me five minutes with it I’m sure I could…**  
**No.**  
**That’s something a friend would do.**  
**He never wanted be my friend, of course. Not bloody _good enough_ for The Chosen One. The Saviour. **  
**Dumbledore’s little favourite.**  
**Not that I care.**  
**Can’t be consorting with the likes of him if I’m to follow in Father’s footsteps.**

 **I’m sure I could tame that mop of his though, I do have very deft fingers.**  
**_No, why would I want to touch his hair?_** _  
_**Besides, he despises me. He’d hex me to buggery if I tried.**

 

March

 

Malfoy’s been staring at me again today in the Great Hall. What’s he bloody up to? Spying for Umbridge, no doubt.  
Just another Lucius Malfoy in the making. It’s such a sodding waste. He could have been so much more. He’s clever and fit and, actually, quite kind to his friends. Always helping Goyle in Potions and, Merlin, so patient with him. I couldn’t do it.  
Not that I've been watching.

I could have been his friend.  
But he hates me.  
What does he call me? A freak.  
A weirdo who faints and gets Voldemort visions. ‘ _St Mungo’s have a special ward for people whose brains have been addled by magic, Potter. It’s only a matter of time before the Ministry has you carted off.’_  
He's right, I suppose, in a way.  
I’ve got to stop thinking about him.  
I need to focus on the DA and sodding Occlumency.

 

 **What’s Potter up to? Sneaking about with those Gryffintwats. I know they’re meeting up somewhere.**  
**I’ll find out though. Father will be so proud if I can get him expelled. And the Dark Lord.**

 **He keeps catching me watching him though, the speccy prick.  I’ll bet he's charming his glasses somehow.**  
**_He_ is charming somehow. **  
**The way his face transforms when he smiles, it’s marvellous, like a kid on Christmas morning.**  
**_Oh shut up_.**  
**And just this morning _he_ was staring at _me_ before I even looked across at him. Caught me off guard a bit, if I’m honest. I came over a bit dizzy.**  
**Almost forgot to glare. He had some toast crumbs on his lips. Bloody distracting.**

 

Malfoy flushed a dusky pink when he caught me looking today. He couldn't even look me in the eye.  
It would have been pretty cute if I didn’t know that he’s bloody well up to something.  
_Cute? I mean, er... fetching. What? No I don't._  
I couldn't help watching him.  
He was so unguarded, just eating a croissant and laughing with Zabini about something. When he laughs and smiles like that it makes me feel sort of giddy and, weirdly, like I need to pee. And… and I kind of want to see more of it.  
I need to be a bit more discreet next time or Hermione will corner me again with more questions.

 

June

 

Dumbledore! Fucking Dumbledore. He should have just killed me in the Ministry when he had the chance. When Voldemort possessed me.  
Merlin, I begged him. Well, no. I guess Voldemort begged him. But…  
If only he’d done it. Just fucking ended it.  
I wouldn’t be here in this nightmare, with a bloody great empty hole in my chest.  
It hurts.  
Sirius.  
The only family I had left who _actually_ wanted me. He’s gone and it’s all my fucking fault.  
My fault for falling for Voldemort’s trick. Why didn’t I try harder with Occlumency? I didn’t even fucking try. I didn’t practise, I didn’t bother. I failed Dumbledore. I failed Sirius. I failed.  
Malfoy’s right, I am fucked up.  
I can’t _stand_ it.  
Fuck my life. Fuck this prophecy. I’m not worthy of it.  
I hate being Harry Potter.  
I hate being the boy who lived.  
Why couldn’t I have been somebody else? Anybody else?

 

 **There’s the prick. The bastard who put Father in Azkaban and made pariahs of our family. The utter fucking wanker.**  
**I’m going to kill him.**

**“You’re dead, Potter.”**

**He doesn’t even have the good grace to look sorry.**  
**Huh. His eyes are all red and puffy. Has he been _crying_? **

 

Oh fan-fucking-tastic.  
Malfoy.  
Ears pink and growling at me. Just what I need.

“Funny, you’d think I’d have stopped walking around.”

Bloody hell I’ve never seen him so angry. His eyes are scaring me a bit.

 

**The cheeky git!**

**“You’re going to pay Potter, I’m going to make you pay for what you’ve done to my father.”**

 

Wow okay Malfoy’s right in my face! And he smells... incredible. Lemony and leathery and a clean soapy something.  
Fuck. His dad. Of course. I put his dad in jail. No wonder he's pissed off. He’d do anything for his family.  
I’m a dick.

But what about _my_ family? _  
_ Sirius…

“Not before you pay for what your bitch of an aunt did to my godfather!”

 

 **Shit.**  
**His godfather was killed. I’d forgotten.**  
**I'm a dick.**

 **And Salazar, he smells good. Who knew the smell of broomstick polish and apples could be so mouth-watering…**  
**_Let go of him, idiot_.**

**“Well I think that about makes us even Potter.”**

**What's wrong with him? Why is his mouth hanging open?**  
**Wait, what's wrong with me? Do I— Do I feel sorry for him?**  
**I need to get out of here.**

 

Shit. What's going on?  
Did Malfoy just call a truce? I thought he wanted to kill me.

He looks really worried.  
Why the fuck are we always fighting? I’m shit-sick of it.  
I hope he's okay. He’s still got his mum, right?

Where's he going?  
Merlin. I need to talk to him.

 

 **Fuck, I need to think. Sort out my head. Get back in control. Everything’s out of control.**  
**Why can’t I stay angry at Potter? I should be taunting him about his dead godfather, not feeling bad for him.**

 **My life is fucked.**  
**Why did I have to tell my parents I’m not into girls? I should have kept my mouth shut.**

 **I thought they’d understand.**  
**Now I’m a disgrace to the Malfoy name. The way Mother looked at me.**  
**Disgusting. A freak.**  
**And then Father goes and gets himself into all this shit and now he’s locked up. Gone.**  
**It’s Potter’s fault. _Wonderful_ Potter. _Perfect_ Potter. **

**Fuck my life.**  
**What I wouldn’t give to be someone else.**  
**Someone worthy.**  
**Worthy of Potter.**  
**Someone he might want to talk to. Smile at. Laugh with.**  
**Ugh, I'm a creep.**

 

Aha, there’s his dot. The Astronomy Tower.

He looked so upset. He’d normally stop at nothing to defend his family’s honour. Something’s wrong. I need to— I just want to see that smile again, that careless easy smile.

 _Why?  
_ Maybe— Shit I dunno. Maybe it might help relieve this crushing emptiness inside me. If I can make him happy, happier. If there’s something I can do.

He won’t want to talk to me. He hates me. He— I— I have to try.  
_Right. Harry you’re a Gryffindor, let’s go sort this out._

 

 **What’s that noise?**  
**Potter! How did he find me? Shit, I need to dry my face.**

 **Merlin, he looks so intense. His— His eyes. Has he come to fight me?**  
**I don't think I can fight. Not anymore.**

**“Stalking me now Potter?”**

 

There he is.  
Godric, he looks like some sort of glowing angel just sitting there in the moonlight. He’s so striking.  
His face, has he been crying?

“Er, Malfoy, sorry to disturb you. I— I just wanted to say I’m sorry about your Dad. I mean, no actually, he deserved what he got. He tried to kill me. He was working for Voldemo—, sorry, You Know Who, but even so, I realise it must be awful for you. And I’m so sorry that you’re upset. He’s— he’s your dad. Your family. Family’s family, right? Even if they're, er, in league with evil Dark Lords.”

Oh gods, what am I doing? I’m trying to make him happier. This is _not_ helping.  
How can it be so hot in here? There’s not even any glass in the windows.

“And I thought, seeing as you said we’re even now, that, _maybe,_ you might, er... Shit.”

I can’t do this. What if I get hurt? He always hurts me.  
_Breathe, Harry. Smile. Channel that Gryffindor courage._

“Maybe you might want to, er, start over. Um, as friends?”

Merlin, he’ll think I'm a creep. Brace for scorn and mockery, in 3… 2… 1...

 

**He’s talking about Father. What right does he have? Of all the...**

**Wait, what is he saying?**  
**He said _friends_. **  
**He’s smiling. It’s sweet and shy and oh fuck, I’m trembling like a first year Hufflepuff.**  
**_Get it together._**

**“I’d really like— ahem—” _Too keen, you pillock._ “Potter, what I mean to say is, that would be acceptable. It makes a warped sort of sense... I suppose.”**

**He’s bloody beaming now, the sap. I can’t believe it.**  
**I can’t look away from those green eyes. I’ve never noticed how much they sparkle.**  
**What’s wrong with my heart, why is it so bloody loud?**  
**_Say something._**

**“And, uh, I’m sorry too. About your godfather. I didn’t—”**

**Oh shit, no no no, don’t frown.**  
**How can I make him happy again? Food! He likes food. _Yes you fuckwit, everyone likes food._ ****Okay I can do this.**

**“Don’t know about you Potter, but I’m bloody starving. You wouldn’t happen to know anywhere we could get some treacle tart at this hour?”**

**Or whatever you want, Potter.**  
**Anything.**  
**Just keep smiling like that.**

 

Malfoy’s trembling.  
And smiling. It’s cautious rather than carefree, but it’s still— Fuck, it’s beautiful.  
And he wants to get tart. The prat.

With me.

The emptiness and horror in my chest is feeling a little lighter. Warmer and tinglier, at least.

“Yeah, I reckon I do. Come on, let me help you up.”

 

 **He wants me to take his hand. I’m dreaming, surely?**  
**Can I do this?**  
**I might get hurt again. I cant, I—**  
**_Just take a chance, Draco._**

 

Malfoy’s hand is warm and smooth and feels like hope.  
He’s trusting me, he was hesitant, but he’s trusting me.  
My heart could burst right now. Explode fucking everywhere. It’s thrilling and overwhelming and a little arousing if I’m honest. Thank Godric for loose robes. Malfoy’s soap and leather smell is _doing_ things to me.

Shit, I must be grinning like a loon.

“Treacle tart’s my favourite, actually.”

 

 **Holding Potter’s hand feels daring and intoxicating... and hot.**  
**So hot.**  
**He’s so… sturdy.**

**“Yeah... I know.”**

**Of course I know, you prat.**  
**Merlin, this is happening. I feel… strange… happy… and more than a little queasy.**  
**_Don’t fuck it up._**

**What’s that he’s flinging over us? Is that...**

**“An invisibility cloak! Potter, you jammy git!”**

**Merlin, this may be the most foolhardy thing I’ve ever done—and certainly, Pansy’s going to Crucio me—but making Potter laugh like this, deep and warm and honey-sweet, like we’re friends, maybe more than friends, has got to be the single most extraordinary feeling in the world. Makes me feel…**  
**_What?_**  
_**Happy?**_ **Beyond a doubt.**  
**_Horny?_  Apparently. **  
**_Hopeful?_  You know what? Yeah.**

**_Special?_ **

**Special.  Definitely.**

 


End file.
